Day 7- A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on me

Jesus!

Let me tell you what....there are some pretty creepy looking pictures of the Big Guy floating around out there on the internet. That isn't meant sacrilegiously at all, but some other religions have some pretty tripped out conceptions of what he looks like... that's not meant as a slam, it's just that in my life I have become accustomed to this one and I love it dearly.

Anyway, so yes, He and His gospel have had the biggest impact on my life. First and foremost they have taught me the right way to live. They've taught me to be honest. To care about other people, in most instances even more than I care about myself. They've taught me to follow the promptings of the spirit, to trust in righteous priesthood holders, and that I can still hear the voice of the Lord today, both personally and through those who have stewardship over me. But most importantly it has taught me that I can be saved and live with Heavenly Father and my family in the Celestial Kingdom forever all because Christ was willing to give His life and atone for my sins....all of ours. I've often thought how poetic it is that Christ even suffered for those people who were putting Him to death, like Caiaphas. I mean how selfless and awesome can one person be. In the case of Christ...pretty darn. Perfect in fact.

However, I think the biggest impact He has had on me has come in the last year or so...a lot of it even in the last month. When I broke up with Dave at the beginning of the month I was freaked. For those of you who saw me after Matt you know that I was a mess for quite a long while. But the thing was that I dated Dave a lot longer and loved him a lot more than I love Matt, more than I ever dreamed possible. So, naturally I was expecting the fall out to be a lot worse. Now....in the case of Dave I have fared a lot better than I did after Matt. Part of that is because of  Dave being who is. He really did love me and he loves the Lord and I know he was doing what he really thought the Lord wanted him to, and he treated me a lot better than Matt ever did. Not that Matt treated me bad per se, he just didn't handle the situation in the greatest way possible. Part of it also was that I had been praying to the Lord for some time before it happened that He would give me the faith, strength, and courage to handle whatever happened with our relationship...whether that was Dave and I splitting or having it progress to something further. But, I was still afraid when it happened that I would tailspin the way that I did after Matt. But, y'know Christ really has been with me through this. He has given me the faith and hope to know that everything will work out in the end. And he has given me the strength to move on and find a way to be happy on the outside even if I I'm hurting on the inside. I have seen my faith and knowledge grow so much this last month. I have received the knowledge that I really am the Lord's daughter and that He wants what's best for me...even if it means in the moment I'm miserable. And y'know how in the BD it says that once we truly understand our relationship to the Lord, that we are His children and He is our Father, that prayer becomes natural and instinctive? Well, I'm here to tell you that that's true too. Since I had that confirmation to me my prayers have become so much more sincere and at times when I find myself with a few extra minutes to kill, like when I'm on break from work at 3am, I find myself turning to prayer. 

The Savior has also helped my patience and tolerance of other people. This year I've been asked to face some pretty difficult people on a daily basis...especially at my work. And it's not to say that these people are bad or abrasive or anything like that, it's just in some instances they are very different from myself and that causes friction sometimes. Especially if you know me because I tend to snap really easy...and a lot of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. For a while instead of just voicing my opinion to the individual I would turn to Dave as my sounding board. I would just rant to him which was pretty easy to do because he is so mellow and rarely gets riled up about anything whereas I get riled up all the time. But, talking to him one day he made some good points. A. getting mad only makes me feel bad, not the other person. B. chances are my getting mad isn't going to do anything to change the situation so it's kind of a waste of energy. C. getting mad is a choice, there are things that I can do to find a way to not become irritated with someone and even find a way to love them. That being said I started praying that I would find a way to love people the way the Lord does and see in them the good qualities that He sees. It has helped me so much and I know that it is because the Savior really can do amazing things with our hearts if we come to him and are sincerely willing to be changed.

So in a nutshell he has had the biggest impact on my life because he has changed  my life. He's change my heart and my prospects and for that I am eternally thankful! :)

Day 6- Favorite Superhero

Spiderman

Honestly, how could he not be your favorite?! So, the first Spiderman movie came out the summer between my 8th grade and freshman year of High School. I didn't see it right away, it actually took me quite a while but I remember watching it for the first time one night when I was babysitting at Suzanne and Nathan's after I put the kids to bed and I was glued to the TV. It was so good. Thus, my obsession was born. The second movie came out when I was 16 and it was even better than the first...and the soundtrack really was just amazing. And then....the third one happened. That movie really was kind of a joke, just not good all around. But, I remain a loyal fan! 

I think one of the reasons that I like Spiderman so much is that yeah, he is a superhero, but he is a smart superhero. He uses his brain and in a lot of instances and saves a bunch of human lives due to his knowledge. (This is the same reason that Simon is my favorite chipmunk.) Reference the first and second movies if you have any questions. It speaks to the power of learning and using what God gave you.

The other thing that I like about Spiderman is his motto "with great power comes great responsibility." He chooses to be good and serve people who can't help themselves. This is proven by the instance in which Peter Parker forsakes his superhuman identity but the eventually goes back to it because he realizes how important it is. 

Coming in at #2

 

I suppose though that in the event the Spidey were to cease existence this guy would do. This one is mainly because when I worked at Blockbuster I worked with this guy name Grant who was obsessed with the Bat. He had Batman action figures and a belt buckle and hats and jackets....he even had the Batman insignia tattooed on his arm....that is a level of devotion I have yet to experience for Spidey. But he and I used to get into Batman vs. Spidey arguments all the time. I used to contend that Batman wasn't really a superhero because he had no super powers...he was simply rich. And Grant used to say that Spiderman was just a nerd who had a run of odd luck with a genetically altered spider...it was an accident not all that super. Anyway, every I see Batman I think of Grant and all of our contentions and it makes me laugh and brings warm fuzzies to my heart. The other thing that I like about Batman is that he has a dark side but like Spiderman he chooses  to be good. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that other superheroes don't/didn't make that choice but for these two it appears that it is something that they have/do struggle with and I like that. I think it helps us to realize that being good is a choice that we all have to make.

Day 5- A picture of somewhere you've been.

The Sacred Grove.

Palmyra, NY

When I was about 12 Mom and Dad took us on a little family road trip. We drove from El Centro all the way to Maine and back viewing church history and other historical sites along the way. We took a lot of tours of a lot of reconstructed log cabins....let me tell you what. But one of the places that we visited was The Sacred Grove where the Lord and His son, Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith and ushered in the dispensation of the fullness of times. That was a really special experience and I think it was at that time that my testimony of Joseph Smith, his work, and this gospel began to take form. As I walked through that grove of trees I could feel it in my bones for the first time that this gospel is true and that this work is real. That Christ does live and atoned for our sins, and that Joseph Smith did in fact see him that spring day in 1820. And that by following this gospel I can receive eternal salvation in the Celestial Kingdom and live with my family and God forever.

:) It really is a sacred place and you can feel the spirit as you walk through that hallowed ground. I love this picture because to me it kind of looks like the pillar of light that Joseph described when the Lord and Christ appeared.

 

 Nauvoo Temple

Nauvoo, IL

On that same trip I described before Mom and Dad took us to see the Nauvoo temple grounds. At that time the temple had not been rebuilt and so there were only the remaining footprints from the original temple that had burnt down. I was touched then by the sacrifice that the Saints had made to build it. How, Joseph Smith never got to see it finished. How the Saints waited hours to receive their endowments. And how the ultimately left it behind. However, I believe it was the October following our road trip President Hinckley announced the plans to rebuild the Nauvoo temple! We got to go back for the open house and then I was able to watch the dedication of the temple. It was such a neat experience and the spirit was definitely present. I suppose that's why the Nauvoo temple is my favorite. Some day I'm going to go back there to get married!

Day 4- A habit I wish I didn't have.

Where to begin?
There are in fact many habits that I possess that I wish that I didn't.
For as long as I can remember I have had this terrible habit of biting my nails.

This is bad for many reasons. First and foremost, seriously just think about how many germs your hands come into contact with and then think about putting that in your mouth! Yuck! But then on top of that I usually really don't know when enough is enough and I end up biting my nails down so far that it results in pain and sometimes blood. :(
The other bad habit that I'm working on breaking right now is over-thinking things.

There are so many times where I have driven myself to distraction and tied myself into knots and I think in some instances even fallen into depression because I over-think things. Because I simply can't just give place to things, trust and have faith in the Lord, believe that everything will work out for the best in the end, and then let the problem go. I was talking to a fried of mine the other day who was having the same problem and the advice that I gave him is the advice that I need to take. Just recognize that you don't have any control over it, and that things will be how they're going to be, and that eventually everything will work out in the end so just forget about it for now.
Another bad habit I have is gossiping.

A few weeks ago I read a talk by Robert S. Wood called Instruments of the Lord's Peace. Basically he talks about inviting the Lord's peace by not stereotyping, gossiping, and talking about people behind their backs. I decided that was something that I needed to change about myself. Then Friday I was talking to my friend Tyrell "T" about it and he mentioned that is part of what is considered to make a person charming...if they don't have anything negative to say about other people. It's really something that I'm working on changing.

And to close the last habit that I can think of that I hate is my impatience.

Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated when things aren't occurring in a timely manner. But I also find myself experiencing the same emotions when I don't get what I want. In either situation it isn't a very attractive quality and it's one that I'm trying to curb.

So there you go a full list of my terrible habits that I'm working on changing. 

Day3- A Picture of yourself as a child

What can I say? I'm in college and have no childhood pictures of which to speak of. The only one I could scrounge up was one that Jenna posted of the whole family on facebook. In any case... if you're having troulbe locating me I'm the midget in the white and blue dress standing smack dab in front of Grandma.

In other news, in Spanish Fork, UT there resides a Hindu Temple. Odd, right? I mean considering that it's kind of in the middle of Mormon-ville, USA. Anyway, one of the Hindu religious festivals has to do with the welcoming of Spring. It's called Holi. The story behind it is basically kind of like Shadrah, Meshach, and Abednego from the Bible. Except for the Hindu's, it was a demon that was demanding to be worshipped and it was one man not three that refuse and was subsequently thrown into a fire. Anyway, one of the ways this is celebrated is through chalk throwing. In Spanish Fork they advertise it as The Festival of Colors. Well, Provo is a college town and just a stone's throw from Spanish Fork, and well, chalk throwing is pretty much bomb-diggity and so you can bet that thousands of college kids flock to the festival every year. So much so that the temple in Spanish Fork doesn't just do one throwing they do five-ish, simply to support the sheer volume of people that flock to the festival....that and I'm sure it makes them a dang lot of money. Anyway, Holi was Saturday and myself and a bunch of my friends attended. I was not able to get any pictures for myself but here are some photos of the madness as captured by other people...

Pictures of the Throwing

People usually come out looking something like this....

Anyway, it's a ton of fun! You get chalk in every place imaginable. The chalk is gardenia scented and so you're smelling that for like a month and blowing green and purple boogers but it's totally worth it! 

Welcome to my life....or at least the best part of the winter semester here in Provizzle.

Day 2- The meaning behind your blog name

My name is Felicia Ann Bainbridge. Check the initials they're FAB. Fab as anyone who happened to live in the early '90's would know was a shortened version of the word fabulous. Now, at 22 years old I'm not too terribly enthralled with the similarity between my initials and the word fabulous, but at 16 I was. So much so that I used to write it on everything and I even incorporated it into my email address: fabulous_felicia@hotmail.com. Underneath all my insecurities I truly believed that I was fabulous and I still do. But I'm a little more confident and don't feel the need to emboss it on every piece of paper that I come into contact with. So, I suppose that the name of my blog The Oh-so Fabulous Life of Felicia is a throwback to my younger years a kind of way to tease myself if you will. Because now at 22 I realize that I am a daughter of God and I got to come here and receive a body and experience the plan of salvation and that that very fact  alone makes my life special but that other than that my life is just...life. Nothing abnormal about it one way or the other....and I'm okay with that. :D

Day 1- Recent picture and 15 interesting facts about myself

15 interesting facts about myself:

1. While I know that I'm not a dog or anything, that I'm actually quite attractive, I do feel that I'm extremely unphotogenic. I always manage to close my eyes at just the right moment so I look high or someone happens to take it from angle making me appear to have a double chin, etc. This being the case I like to make goofy faces when a picture is being taken, that way if it looks cute/funny then great! And if not I can say that it wasn't necessarily intended to look cute. This photo was taken on a Friday night at a burger place called JcW's with my friends Lisa, Dan (Chapps), Ashley, and Ashley's friend Jared and for some reason I really like it.

2. For as gunshy as I am about physical affection, my favorite thing to do in a relationship is simply cuddle. Weird I know and I wasn't really aware of it myself until Dave mentioned it a month or so ago, and it really is true. I mean I liked kissing him and all but my favorite times were when he would come up from behind me, slip his arms around my waist and just rest his chin on my shoulder.

3. For as discriminatory and judgmental as I can be sometimes I really love helping people in need. I remember reading in the scriptures Mosiah 2:17 and having that really hit me while I was in High School. And then too when it talks about the same thing 3 Nephi. We're all working towards the same thing and it's our responsibility to helps others along the way. I guess I really have found the right major (Social Work) for myself.

4. College has really changed my views, tastes, and ways of thinking...definitely for the better. I've learned to keep an open mind and try new things. I can now say that the band Muse is most assuredly one of my favs., that sushi is in fact delicious, ultimate frisbee is a great past time, nothing beats BYU football, that things aren't always as they seem, that people are just people and we have to find a way to love them for who they are, that getting upset and impatient is just a waste of energy most of the time because it likely won't change anything, that some sci-fi stuff isn't so bad like Stargate: Atlantis and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (so funny!), try your hardest at whatever you do because people will respect you for it, that Mom's cinnamon roll recipe really is one of the best out there, and that the only true way to happiness is through living gospel principles and following our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

5. My weakness in life is cookies! I really honestly do believe that a good cookie is my favorite dessert. A nice warm Paradise Bakery & Cafe chocolate chip cookie...you can't beat that. I've compiled a bunch of different chocolate chip cookie recipes and someday want to try them all out at once to see which one suits me best.

6. I'm a French Fry fiend!! I love them soo much!! Sometimes I don't even want the burger or whatever consists of the other part of the meal...just the fries.

7. I love to cook. Sometimes when I'm bored at work I get on allrecipes.com and look at recipe reviews.

8. I'm working on changing my "blank face" because apparently it's one that screams "I'm totally angry" or "I don't like you" which is hardly ever what I'm thinking. I guess when I'm not thinking about anything in particular I just look mad. I'm working on changing it to a smile or maybe a nice pensive face, who knows?

9. As I've gotten older I've learned the value of staying active. When I was a kid I was always the one glued to the TV...not so much anymore. I still have my periods when I just feel like being a bum, but as a rule I like doing things, going to the gym, or playing a game of ultimate frisbee. Playing board games with my pals, or cooking, or taking a trip the hot springs or the rope swing out in Mona, UT etc.

10. I'm not really all that crafty, but I've always wanted to be desperately. That being the case I find myself constantly undertaking projects like knitting a hat, or crocheting an afghan, or soap carving, or painting, etc....I just wish the looked better.

11. The gospel means more to me than anything else in this life....'nough said.

12. The best way to get me to do something is to tell me that I can't do it. I'm trying to crochet an afghan right now and have been asking help from this guy at work who is like a crocheting master. He told me the other day that it's maybe just a bit too advanced for me and that if I bring it in he'll start it for me. Challenge accepted. I'm now more determined than ever to complete all parts of this afghan on my own!

13. I'm realizing that maybe I'm just a little too independent. The other day some of my friends were watching How I Met Your Mother which...don't even get me started on that show. But the characters were talking and they were like "what's the other word for selfish?" "Independent?" I hadn't really realized it but being independent is kind of being a little selfish. At the very least I'm depriving someone of the same satisfaction that I get from helping people. At the worst if someone wants to spend time with me but I say "no" to their help it could sound like I don't want them around....which isn't the case I just feel bad because I feel like i'm keeping them from other things. I can also see too much independence being shockingly similar to pride. I just have to come to grips with the fact that I can't do everything on my own and sometimes it's necessary to ask for/accept help.

14. I have a very eclectic taste in music. I like everything from Nirvana to Maroon 5 to Death Cab for Cutie to Rihanna to Kenny Chesney to Eminem to Jimmy Eat World to Mumford and Sons to Keith Urban to Mandy Moore to Sarah Barielles to Nelly to Flo Ridda to Eric Church to Sherwood to Augustana to The Black Eyed Peas to Bob Marley to The Beatles to The Temptations to Stevie Wonder to Van Morrison etc.

15. I'm dadgum terrible at sports! My lack of coordination does not help. I've always wanted to be good at sports but sadly have never succeeded. That doesn't mean I quit trying though, and oddly enough a lot of guys respect me for that...or for my willingness to go out there and make a fool of myself in front of them. haha

So, life has been kind of rocky for me this last month or so.
For those of you haven't already heard from Mom, Dave and I split in the early part of March. There were a lot of reasons, some of them had to do with me and some had to do with him. Dave and I are still working on the being friends thing afterwards and we're struggling. It's hard, but don't hate him. He really is a good guy and he really did love me and he really did help me to become a better person. It's been really hard but the Lord has been helping me through it.
I've realized a lot about myself. Like how I receive answers to my prayers. For the longest time I felt like I had never truly received an answer to prayer. Turns out I was going about it all wrong. I think the Lord has been talking to me this whole time and I just wasn't listening correctly. My whole life I've always focused in on what I was feeling after I prayed but not necessarily what the Lord was saying to my mind. Does that make sense?
Anyway, turns out it makes a big difference. The only way I can think to describe it would be to compare it to someone talking to me in English the whole time I was listening for Spanish.
I've also learned (as I posted about last) that only you can make yourself happy. You can't depend on other people to do it for you. You can't say "when they do this then I'll be happy" or "when this happens then I'll be happy". It's just irrational to think that way and if you do you'll likely spend a fair amount of your life disappointed. I think the best thing is to just decide for yourself to be happy....even if it's hard and sometimes you just have to grin and bear it.
I've also learned about the amazing amount of peace the Lord can and will give you if you turn to him with sincere faith and trust. He really is a miracle worker and can help even on the darkest days. : )
The other resolution I've made is to try and be more patient and kind with people. I've been praying that I'll be able to see in other people what the Lord sees in them and love them the way that the Lord does...even if they've hurt me or annoy me or whatever. As part of that I'm also trying hard not to talk about people behind their backs/gossip about people. It's something that I do that was brought to my attention about a month or so ago and I was pretty embarrassed because I do do it and it probably sounds really juvenile and childish and isn't very attractive.
So, now that we've covered all of the things that I've learned this past little while lets continue onto a new topic of conversation.
My roommate Lisa and my friend Ashley have blogs that I follow and they have both recently started:

30 Days of Blogging

day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you as a child
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been
day 6- favorite super hero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- write a bucket list of things you want to do before you die
day 12- write a poem to someone you love
day 13- your 5 favorite books and why
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- a picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- write about a sweet memory from your past
day 20- write a letter to someone
day 21-a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave a lot
day 24- post your favorite quote or verse of scripture and why
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- list 10 things that you are thankful for
day 27- my day job verses my passion
day 28- cruise a thesaurus and pick out 10 words you like the sound of
day 29 - favorite TV shows and why you like them
day 30 - movies you can watch again and again


I'll keep you posted. : )

So it's been a while since my last post.
Lots of things have been going on and I just haven't had the time/motivation to keep up.
But the other day I really had this change in perspective.
Only you can make yourself happy.
I know, you're probably thinking "Duh! We've all known that for a really long time." and trust me, I have too. But I was having  a really rough day last week and for some reason that idea really resonated with me. I can sit there for all I want and say "So and so did this and it made me unhappy" but that's not the truth. Yes, I can feel sad or have my feelings hurt by the actions of another person, but they can't make me unhappy....that's a choice that I make for myself. Yes, there may be times when I'm feeling pretty low after someone has done something thoughtless or inconsiderate but I can choose to dwell on that and be unhappy or I can choose to forget about it (because I can't change it), put a smile on my face, laugh, and just try my best to be happy.
Again, I've known this conceptually for a really long time, as we all have. But for some reason this past week it really has stuck with me and it's a principle that I'm trying to implement into my life.
I can't depend on other people to do things to make me happy, if I do I'm likely going to spend a fair amount of my life disappointed. Instead I have to develop myself. Do things for myself that will make me a better person and help me to grow. That combined with the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to be happy. So that's something that I need to work on. As long as I'm making sure that I'm doing what I'm supposed to and doing things that I enjoy and make me feel good about myself then the Lord will bless me.
I'm not suggesting that we should only consider ourselves. The scriptures say that we need to consider and serve our fellow man. But at the end of the day only you  are responsible for what kind of day you've had and whether or not you're happy.

For as long as I can remember growing up in the church I've hear people say that you should never pray for two things: patience and humility. They say this because most often when people pray for these things they don't like the experiences they have to go through to develop those traits. For example, my friend Allen prayed for humility while on his mission and in one week on five separate occasions he had a bird poop on his head. haha Pretty humorous but also a pretty good illustration.
The problem is that I have always struggled with having patience and humility...I mean really, let's just face facts.
That being said I've always wondered how to develop those two qualities that I know I've so grossly lacked. This last week though, it kind of occurred to me that maybe a lot of prayer is really knowing how to talk to the Lord. Knowing what to ask for and how to ask for it, and also knowing how to discern an answer.
For example, this last year I have been confronted with some people that are very different than myself. We have very different interests and opinions. I've known that this would be a problem because of my natural impatience for people I view to be ignorant or close-minded. I began praying for patience, and I really didn't feel like I got any results from it. But, at some point along the way I stopped praying for patience and started praying that the Lord would really help me love people, love them the way he loves them, think they have the best intentions instead of the worst, and see in them the valuable qualities that he sees in them. That I think more than anything has helped me more than anything to develop patience and humility.

Try as I might I don't know that I'll ever understand the way that the Lord works. But then...who knows? Maybe I'm not supposed to.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I know that the Lord loves his children and wants us to be happy. I understand that a lot of what He requires of us is in order to bring that about, but it's like in my last post. Sometimes the thing that he requires of us at the moment is so painful it's hard to imagine what sort of sick joy might come out of having had that happened. The only plausible explanation in those scenarios is that he's asking that of you to develop your faith, to help you grow more, to see how much you love Him and if you are willing to put Him above everything else, and possibly because in order for better things to fall together sometimes already good things fall apart.
I had some pretty good things fall apart this last weekend. And I don't know if it's because the Lord simply is trying to test  my faith (which is something I've always struggled with) or if it's because there are better things in store for me, or if possibly it's both. But I do know that the Lord wants me to be happy. And even though there some pretty crappy things that have to happen sometimes, there are usually some pretty awesome things that happen just around the corner. Yesterday I got into grad school at BYU! : ) Evidence that even though right now the Lord is asking me to go through some pretty tough things (or at least it feels that way) he still loves me and knows what will make me ultimately happy. The caveat to this and to all that the Lord asks of us is that we need to have faith. Faith that He knows the end from the beginning and what is best for us in the end.
Faith can be a difficult thing to muster. At least in my case I constantly want to have faith. I'm constantly just trying to trust in the Lord and go with what He wants. However, the problem is that I'm kind of a worry wart and even though I try to end every prayer with "thy will be done" I find that I constantly come to the Lord in supplication asking for answers. Sometimes I already have an answer but I keep questioning the Lord seeking more concrete answers. I have been doing this recently with my struggles. I've prayed about it and feel like the Lord had already given me an answer to my prayers...basically that He wasn't going to give me an answer to a specific question at that time, rather He was going to ask me to go forward with faith at this time and trust that He knew what was best. But then for the last two night when I was at work I've just had this inkling that I knew how things were going to be and so I felt the need to pester the Lord about which answer was correct, the one I felt I got in answer to prayer or the feeling I got simply pondering at work. The stupid thing was too, that I prayed about it the night that I got the impression at work initially and I felt I got the answer that the answer to my prayers was right and that the feeling I had at work was simply the adversary trying to get me to question my answer and weaken my faith. And yet, last night at work I got the same feeling and decided that I needed to pray about it again today when I got off. But I also had it hit me this morning. It's not real faith if we're constantly questioning the Lord for an answer. I mean, I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't ask for answers from the Lord but if you have asked the Lord and felt like you've received an answer then it's time to stop questioning and just take that answer and go with faith that the answer was from the Lord and if it wasn't He will redirect you somehow. But when we've received an answer from the Lord, whatever that answer may be yes, no, silence, etc., then it is demonstrating a complete lack of faith in the Lord to keep returning to him and questioning the answer you felt like you've received. The one exception I could see to this would be in the instance that the Lord remained silent and didn't provide you with an answer. But even then, I don't think that that the questioning should occur more than twice. If after that you still feel as though you haven't received an answer I feel that it would be totally necessary to move forward with faith and trust that the Lord is expecting you to make the decision on your own.
The Lord wants us to be happy, just as any parent wants that for their child. But He also wants us to trust Him. He wants us to believe that He loves and wants what's best for us. Because He wants the ultimate good for us, and that is to live with Him again. And surprise, surprise that requires nothing but faith! Faith that this gospel is true, that Joseph Smith and every subsequent leader of this church has been a prophet and worked as the Lord's mouthpiece, faith that the temple ordinances really do allow us to live as families for eternity. Of course the Lord wants us to have faith and trust in Him because he wants us to return to Him, and so it makes sense that sometimes He is going to require things of us to strengthen our faith.

Sometimes the things that the Lord asks of us don't always make sense. At least not at the time. And it can be hard to trust that it will all work out in the end because we don't know how it will. But we can trust that the Lord does. He knows the end from the beginning. We can only see a few threads but He can see the whole tapestry...the grand design. Today was a really hard day. Some stuff happened that I'd kind of seen coming for a while. But I've been praying and I know that somehow, some way the Lord will help me through this. And I know some day when things have settled themselves I'll look back and be glad that things happened the way that they have. But for right now it's sad and it still hurts. I honestly believe that these things are a test of my faith. To see if I'm willing to do the things that Lord asks of me, eve if it hurts and I don't want to. To see if in times of trial when I really am hurting I will have faith, and turn to the Lord and trust that even if I don't know how things will turn out he does. That's really what I'm trying to accomplish here. I don't why the Lord has chosen to ask of me the things that he has and I don't know how they will work out in the end. I don't know if things will end up in the way that I thought they would or if they will end a completely differently. But I know that they Lord does and that I'm going to try my hardest to put my faith in him, good or bad, through whatever comes.

Dave has recently been addicted to this song called The Cave by the band Mumford & Sons. His obsession extends so far that any time I happen to leave my computer turned on in his vicinity he quickly youtubes it. haha Needless to say I have heard a lot of this song. I have never been a particular fan of the song. Don't misunderstand, it's not that I dislike the song, I've just never found it to be the musical wonder that Dave has found it to be. But tonight, as I was driving home for my break from work this song came on the radio. And as I was listening to it I found myself to be happy and genuinely enjoying the song. As I was pondering this turn of events this evening I came to the conclusion that my shift in feelings about this song is because of Dave. For so long I have watched Dave listen to it over and over on my computer or his own, I've watched him crank it up when it comes on the radio and sing along, and I've finally reached the point where when I listen to this song I think of nothing but Dave. And every positive (which the majority consist of), negative, worrisome, etc. feeling I've ever had towards that boy is now evoked whenever I hear the first few strains of that song.
I've often thought about music's ability to do that to us, to get under our skin in such a way that the meanings or feelings associated with a song are forever changed. For example, We Didn't Start the Fire is the last song that I remember listening to before Cherstin and I got into that accident when I was 15 that totaled the car and left me with a concussion, every since then listening to that song has always been difficult for me. There are certain songs that I listened to with Matt such as Every Other Time by LFO that have a negative connotation because of how badly Matt hurt me and how little he seemed to care (again, don't misunderstand, I'm not saying he didn't, but he definitely didn't let me see it if he struggled at all). And even if things eventually come to an end for Dave and I, I know that this song The Cave by Mumford and Sons will always have a positive connotation for me because of how much happiness and love Dave has shown me. He has been my best friend for a long time and has stood by me through things when it would have been easier for him to walk away (ie my grad school application and my indifference at the beginning of our relationship), he has taught me patience and charity, but most importantly he has taught me the value of faith and how to strengthen it.
The Lord has given us so many things for so many reasons. We know that one of the reasons for music is because the Lord delights in it and in many instances it can act as a prayer unto him (D&C 25). But, maybe one of the reasons music has been given to us is to help us remember. The Greeks were able to memorize epochs like The Iliad simply by putting it to music, and my Junior and Senior Years of HS as much as I hate to admit it, those darn scripture mastery songs Mom played really did help. Remembering is such and important part of the gospel and of life in general. I mean how can you know where you're going if you can't remember where you've been? So maybe one of the purposes music serves is to help us remember things, not just stories and scriptures, but principles we've learned and people who have helped us along the way. That way if we're ever in a moment of doubt or uncertainty we can simply listen to a song and all at once feel every single emotion we've ever associated with that bit of music. Maybe these are just the rantings of tired little white girl at 6am but for some reason they really resonated with me tonight so I thought that I'd share.